It's Complicated...

I am not sure wat i am thinking now.... a kind of messy... like the chinese proverb "剪不断，理还乱。" My relationship is totally different wif other ppl's. Should be missing him until wan to die while he is not here, but I only think of him while i am free and he phone me. Every time after talk phone oso feel sorry to him. Coz as his gf, even the time to talk phone oso cannot be long... juz bcoz every time he phone me, i am buzy eating, assignment, doing stuff... I am free only during 3-4am in the morning... but he adi sleep... Sometimes, he phone me when i am pressured and in anger... and he will be the pitty 1, coz the way i talk will bcum scolding him... I know i shud not treat him tat bad... but he is the only ppl that i can release all the pressure and anger... and once again, feeling sorry after doing so.... but he do understand me, every time oso advise me to rest more... Every time, i feel like wan to let him go, let him free to find another girl that can accompany him, but i know i cant afford to do so.... i do love him but i really no time and effort to maintain this long distance relationship... I am torturing my heart wif guilty, feeling sorry, pressure repeatedly.... i know is difficult for me to met ppl like him that can bear wif me and my behavior... sometimes. really wan to salute him.... for having that patience wif me... so, tats why i am a weird ppl... very weird.... i oso dun understand wat i am thinking about... Sorry, my dear... please tolerate wif me...

I think i dun bother it so much better. Now i am in a kind of busy mood. If u ask, wat i am busying about, i can only say that busy doing other ppl's stuff. Yesterday night back to Ipoh to fetch him, so i bk to my house while waiting his bus arrive. My mum keep nagging on me, not to help deco dpmt doing stuff, but i stand firm on my decision that i should help them. Is not help tat dpmt, is helping PS... PS is a kind of different ppl that have a weird style of behaviour. Tis behaviour let her, as a human being live more happily. She is soft, a water type of girl. I feel guilty to drag her participate in this committee, she is a happy girl... but bcoz of me, she is overload wif pressure and responsibility... so, wat i can do is only helping her the best as i can. I din admit that i am pro than her, but i do feel that i can help her in planning to ensure things can go on smoothly... worrying her will break down, so i try to help her as much as possible, thinking all the possible idea, and the 1st time i fully utilize my brain, juz bcoz of other dpmt stuff.

I should be have a relax kind of feeling bcoz my dpmt stuff settle as the week of ticket redemption ends, but my heart is full of other stuff. My study is the main thing that make me worry... 5 subjects for this semester: English, QT 2, BA2, MP and IS. For me, English is not a problem. QT 2: after the 2 mid-term, i have more confident wif the 1st 5 chapter, but the last few chapter, i am quite blur wif that, but i think shud be ok if i find my QT sifu, Ling Siaw. Next, BA2: Tis subject worried me the most...Especially chap. 6 which will be cuming out in compulsory part... still blur wif the stupid cash flow statement... Wanna to find Mr. Mahendra in this following week, so i should do revision in this week for tat chapter... do hope that can understand without finding him... and oso do hope that myself can spare out free time wif accounting... MP: the memorizing management subject, i do believe that the most difficult management subject- leadership i oso can memorize it, i do think that this is not a problem, but i have no sufficient time to do bk all the revision...I need time, i need time!!! Last, IS: a worst subject!!! Worst than MP, all the slides no explanation and elaboration, must study the textbooks. Luckily the 1st 6 chapters i adi complete reading the textbook and write down all the extra points. But wat i worry is the behind part, difficult to understand and complex. Haiz.... wif a lecturer teaching by reading all the slides... i start skip classes start from lecture 6....

Actually, to me, all the subject should not be a problem for me... is juz tat wat i lack now is time... TIME!!! I know i can understand it as long as i put time to study it, but embarrassed to say that i have really no time. All the time fully utilized to do the FBF Night stuff... Try to control myself not to mind other ppl's business, but at the end i fail in doing so. My heart got another voice telling me, " U as a part of the committee should help now to let the event to bcum much more better, but not regret after the event fail!" I hate this voice!!! I hate it!!! This make me uncontrollable doing other useless stuff... After doing it, no ppl appreciate... then i regret again... I din mean to ask u to treat me or say thank you to me... but at least, plz let me feel that u r happy wif wat i have done. Plz dun give me expression which is no reaction... My passion in doing this event fade... no more... wat i have now, is juz a kind of responsibility that urge me to participate... Sien....心淡...

So, now.. i should fully focused in my study le... adi week 12, final coming... after the event ends, really need to do my revision... Hope that this final i still can survive...